Filmography

ASPIRING HEINZ COWS: A cow husband (Frank Moler) and wife (Girdie Moler) are standing in a field. Girdie begins to discus a neighborhood cow who also strives to be ultimately eatin’ with Heinz ketchup. Frank doesn't appear to be surprised as this is what all cows should strive for. Girdie on the other hand believes that not all cows are Heinz quality.

Frank is a bland talker and doesn't think much about life in general but knows what’s up. Girdie on the other hand is a southern gossip queen who thinks she’s right all the time and that others should listen and learn. The kid (Calvin Moler) is your typical teenager who wants to fit in and can’t understand why his parents are talking in private about something everyone already knows about.

  • GIRDIE: Frank, did you hear?
  • FRANK: What?
  • GIRDIE: Susan down the road is aspiring to be a Heinz cow.
  • FRANK: So, we all strive
  • GIRDIE: I know I know, it’s just she’s...
  • FRANK: What?
  • GIRDIE: She’s not Heinz quality
  • FRANK: Oh boy.
  • GIRDIE: What?
  • FRANK: All cows aspire to be eaten with Heinz.

Just as frank finishes his “All cows aspire...” speech their son Calvin silently enters the area surprising them.

  • CALVIN: What are you talking about?
  • FRANK AND GIRDIE: Gasp.....
  • CALVIN: Your talking about that Heinz thing.
  • FRANK AND GIRDIE: Shhhhh...
  • CALVIN: Oh come on, everybody knows.
  • GIRDIE: It’s just we don’t...
  • FRANK: We just don't wanta... freak anyone out.
  • CALVIN: But I want to grow up to be a Heinz cow.
  • FRANK: Son...
  • GIRDIE: Frank, there's noting wrong with aspiring to be a Heinz cow. All cows should have high hopes. It’s what got us where we are.

Ends with the Heinz logo on a Ketchup bottle with the last sentence.

Aspiring Heinz Cows

Cast:

  • Frank Moler (Dana Hirschberg): Director, Producer, and Screenplay Writer.
  • Girdie Moler (Tracy Hirschberg): Local Actor.
  • Calvin Moler (Dana Hirschberg): Director, Producer, and Screenplay Writer.